I am scared.

I wish it was something easy like a spider I was afraid of. It was explainable. It is not that easy to say even. Every time, I drive I am scared. Every time, I walk down an empty lane I am scared. Every time, someone brushes past me in a busy street or an empty one , I am scared.

It is not a feeling that passes away, it stays there in my gut, reminding me that I am not as strong as I want to be. I am a 20 something girl, that can't go out after 8 because she knows the crowd is bad.

I don't wear provocative clothes, I don't drink, I don't do drugs or anything. Even if i did, does that makes it any less of a crime when something happens to the "liberal Independent women". No one deserves to be treated like a piece of meat that can be chewed upon.

 I am a regular girl. Since the word girl comes, I suddenly become a piece of meat someone can grope or pass comments on. It is something everyone of us experiences. The lewd comments. The endless stares. The olging.

I just wish I felt safe. I don't want to be paranoid  of  every touch, the innocent look that someone gives. I am not a lunatic, who looks at everyone and sees their enemies. I look at men, the unknown faceless men, that are at every corner and I feel my blood drain because someone would be that guy who will look at me funny and a shiver will run down my spine.

I am not asking for death penalty, I am not asking for people to give me protection. All I am asking is I don't want to be scared anymore. I want my mother not to worry about me when I am five minutes late from the usual time I come. I don't want to be scared when a vehicle stops near to me and I  freeze.

I am asking for a little acknowledgement that women wish for female foeticide than to live in a country where breathing  makes you a rape victim. I wish that I am not scared anymore.

Scared to live, scared to move, scared to ask. Just plain scared.

Not a rupee more, Not a rupee less.

A friend of mine told me "The books are too costly of some XYZ publication house."  I on the other hand asked him, "what is a fair price?".

He aptly replied "100 Rupees"

From this I understood somehow the content, blurb, pages or story. None of this matters. This brought me to my  dilemma, a hundred rupee one.  You ask people, what is the motivating  factor for you to buy a book and they always come up with a answer "#Price"

I am not sure how to change that perception that people can spend thousand bucks on a movie but can't do the same for a book. It is like we can read crap, if it is priced less.

So, a writer like me, who spends days trying to write a story that will create history and some money (*sigh*), is dumbfounded when they get to know, people might never buy their books simply because they are costly.

Then  what is left for me, write 5 books in 3 years, publish them with a pathetic publication house and read tons of grammatical mistakes, as me and him both didn't want to spend extra bucks, just to end up having badly written #books. I am having none of that.

I can't do it. Not because I am above it, but i will make no money in that too. We are the people who are trying to make a living but no one supports us. Spend thousands on entrance exams' books, guides, textbooks. When it comes to novel "#Mehanga Hai".

Is good writing that cheap? As I write this post, I feel it is. We will want to spend less money on novels, than for any other entertainment form. It is a culture thing. Novels are cool as long as they are in a budget.

I wish it was a story, a story so compelling that you had to buy a book. I know a few people who bought Harry Potter on the very first day. They are the rare community. :(

I am not against the 100 Rupee concept but it has commercialised the way we treat writing books. It is no longer a profession  of elite but of bored kids, who had a story.

I wish people were more interested in the release of "And the mountains echoed and Inferno" than they are for "yeh Jawani hai deewani".

My eSSel WORLD...

I am sorry for the delay for this blog. I know it had been quite sometime that I promised both of you that I will write it. I know, I know I am lazy dum.. you love me nonetheless.

To start off the essel journey, I was not sure whether i even wanted to be here. i could have been in delhi job searching and enjoying with you know who (wink) but life had other plans for me indeed.

The first day was okay, i didn't know what to think of it and Nan (yes, I am giving you a new name) was puking her guts out. I didn't see you that day or even for two months at least not with the same perception.

Deps on the other hand was a different ball game. I knew her from our placement and we quickly become the love to hate and hate to love friends. We never had any agreement on anything..

There is no day in my life that goes without thinking how much crazy ass fun with had and that those were the "Days"

Well, back to the journey, we were total of six people and no work in a place where there was a availability of bed. It had to be more than job. I felt like it was a 6 month course in fun, frolic and mind blowing stupidities.  We played games (yes, we are 22 year old's and play games.. that how crazy we are.) Nans and Deps we become closely knit together as the days of departure come.

From Nan's tension to Deps's antics, I don't know what I miss more. The way she said "we will miss you Sir to a senior or calling another senior as Ramu (kaka). It had been a plethora of  some very bad pjs and some very good ones. The special mention to matt and glossy black. Of course the chidiya.. I am not bird watching with you people anymore.

The KPO's to the excel sheets with formula's. to Visio to paint. We had done it all. The coffee runs to the Vada Pav wala.. It seems so placid and every day but it was the fun with we had when we there. i don't think any of us thought that we will find friends. there would only be colleagues. I know now that it was not such the case.

There are things I want to mention here and I don't know how.. It makes to want to go back in time and enjoy all those moments again. I would love to go Man Singh again and get my picture clicked as I was the only one left out of it or the pictures we clicked at every turn. 

You people have made it special in every way. Not to sound too goey.. I miss you. i miss the fun and most of all I miss the time we all were together. 

XOXO

Awesome ;)

DUBBED OR nOT?

I am stumped to say the least. Why? Because i got a decal for my laptop which cost me a considerable amount of money and what I actually got was a sticker which I could have gone without.

It was intricate and everything but do I really want to spend 1k on a sticker that may not even last 1 month. This has made me reconsider all my past shoppings  which I have done online. Do you really buy that even kids can online shop and adults are just afraid of it. I mean I am a borderline adult who was not dupped but was withheld information.

When I read decal I though a second skin to my laptop not a sticker. Yes I WILL NEVER EVER CALL IT DECAL. For me it will always remain a sticker. This takes me back to shoe shopping and I ordered a converse pair which was a size too big (There reply, there is a size difference between USA and India, so can you mention that on the site, rather then telling me later.) What I am supposed to then, return, wait for another ten days and the special occasion I ordered them for, has zoomed past.

This two cases are not very dissimmilar. We see something online and we figure, we have an netbanking/credit card/ debit card. Let's order it. The ramification of this is, Until you know what you want specifically and the size (take all the names of the God, you know, as there is a 1% chance that it would be the right fit) you want. It may end up as a bad shopping choice.

Apart from the delivery woes and changes you have to sometimes go through. The balance that you could have spent on your parents/bf/gf/friend, is spent on them, telling that you got the wrong order/size/make.

What is the choice you are left with, buy overprised things from outside because a picture can lie for thousand words or leave shopping for once and for all.

I might just stick to buying online books. They can't give me wrong size books. I hope.

Confessions of an Average Student

I am an average student and I have no page to confess my average confessions. Although I read a lot of people writing about how they were before and now and somehow they make sense, but they don't for me.

An investment banker wrote, he miss his carefree days of college, Well I miss days where I am not broke. I hate that I have to find money in every corner of my house. All those people in IT's in the end, I would say well, you have confessions, so do we. Are we crying hoarse about it? No because we make do.

I am not belittling them but I feel hurt. These were the people who were supposed to be the cream, we are just skimmed milk. They are talking about loosing their edge. So what we do?
 The average student. With an average dream. With an average salary package. Are we supposed to start a page called Average confessions and make our average confessions.

I remember the days and they are still a few days when someone says they are from IT's in the end, they have money birds around their head. Everyone is assuming they will have a lot of money. Has anyone ever wondered, will they ever get a NOBEL? Yes my dear, I am talking about research. The research that leads to the most prestigious award. They have the facilities, I don't remember that even one instrument working in our lab. Yes, our lab was even average. We couldn't, may be will never reach there. There are people like you who can. Where the package is not the ultimate goal. For us, maybe. For you, I am not sure. I just want a nobel given to us for genuine research, for a genuine idea while being in India. That is the dream I have for my India. For the people who want their children in these prestigious places. Not us, but them


All those who belong to some IT's, I mean no disrespect. I just want a confession page dedicated to US. The masses. Maybe someday we will confess that I wrote this in a fit of jealousy ;)

Liar Liar

Lies, lies and some  more lies. I have heard people say it that lying is a bad habit. I think if you can lie convincingly then lying is good.

It is not you should lie when you are on stand, you might go to jail due to purgery.

 In life it is the most important thing to lie to yourself. You need to believe those lies, They are our saving graces. Tell yourself daily that I am the best thing that happened to the world. Tell yourself you are going to be great. Slowly but surely you will believe it too. They are not lies per say, they are the things we don't believe we have been told otherwise.

They seem much truer then our words but they make us doubt ourselves. Self doubt and disappointment within ourselves lead to bad things and believing never does anything bad.

It is like that story where everyone assembled to pray for rain and a child brought a umbrella. that is what those lies do to us. They make us believe the unachievable is within our reach.

It is just that it is really necessary to survive this world because no one likes the truth. Not even us. It should be a fairy tale. If it isn't? We need to lie and say it is a fairy tale!

Believe because there is no better lie then this. :)

Beauty Beneath

I was one of those people who believed that if you had inner beauty that was all to it. As I have aged, I realize it is very childish to think of inner beauty as the only valued quality. i think outer beauty too matters. I am not taking about plastic beauty or kilos of make up. I am taking about taking care of yourself. Looking nice!

If someone comes to me and says that I only care about inner beauty that I just want to ask, do they like compliments or not? If they do and they are lying to themselves and others too.

Inner beauty and outer beauty are like the sides of a coin. Both matter. you can't just be good looking or  never care for yourself. Hiding beneath bad choices in clothes, huge glasses is simply wrong. God gave you a gift by making you, please respect by taking care of it. 

I know i am ranting and all but all this takes to me one question. If we can't love ourselves as we are then there is point of living. But is it wrong to look good ? I mean i get that love yourself and be proud of you are. I am not asking people to get plastic surgery. I am just saying a dash of lip gloss never hurt anyone. A good haircut never made anyone frown and above all, a compliment never made anyone cry.

So why to go in this debate of good or bad. Just be the best of you and that means a little TLC and I am all for it. Because It's about Marketing these days and no one likes a bad product. 

Keep smiling and Keep looking Good :)